Little Me

A letter to little me:

At seven, you are in your own little bubble. You will never believe that life is not all cotton candied and full of imperfections. Well, now you know it is. It’s not perfect. You are not perfect. Even if you always strive out to be. Even at 22, there are times when you strive to be the perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect partner, perfect friend, perfect everything. But at age 22, you’ve finally learn not to always be such a perfectionist and OCD. You’ve finally learn to say ‘Fuck it!’ and move on.

Dear Little Me,

When you’re older, you’re gonna find out the world isn’t as perfect as you thought it would be. People aren’t as beautiful on the inside as you thought they would be. Little Me, you’ve been naive. But don’t forget, no matter how badly you’ve been treated, there are still kind and beautiful souls in this world.

Don’t be fooled by the wolf in sheepskin. You’re gonna meet many but never be discouraged as you’re gonna find people who love you as you are.

You think that by trying to be perfect, people will love you. No, not everybody will. You will lose friends along the way. Many in fact. Secondary school, pre-university, and I’m sure more throughout your adulthood. You’re gonna have backstabbers in school and your future workplace. You’re gonna hurt real bad and blame yourself for it. But Little Me, you need to know it wasn’t your fault. These so called “friends” were never your friends. They pretended to be, but when the going gets tough, they leave you. They judge you, spread rumors about you and roll their eyes at you. In pre-university, from having many friends to talk to, you became the girl with no one. Even your boyfriend at that time, whom you thought you could rely on, wasn’t there for you when you needed him. People whom you weren’t even close to at all, will start shunning you. Why? Because your so called “friends” were saying mean things about you. People whom you thought you can be friends with, will write a letter to you, telling you to stop hanging out with them.

The list of people you can trust or talk to, starts to get smaller until it becomes a blank list. You will cry in the school toilets all the time but you’ll put a brave face in front of everyone else. You don’t want them to see you weak.

But dear girl, that is just the beginning of your hell. You lose your first love, you get bullied in school, your “friends” come back to you. Little Me, you will think that you have lost all meaning in life. You will start doubting yourself and think there’s no purpose in you being in this world. You start drinking yourself to sleep as the nightmares are too much to handle. You cut yourself to get respite. But  my dear, the hurt and anger just won’t go away. Nothing makes sense anymore and you will think you’re better off dead. One day you’re happy and the next day you remember those pain inflicted on you. No matter how many times you rock yourself and say it’s ok, you feel it will never be.

My dear Little Me, the day you finally gave up on life was a few weeks after you turned twenty-one, the happiest day of your life….yet. You gave up on hope and purpose. You took one too many pills and said your goodbyes to your loved ones. But you were saved on time. You will then realise that it’s those who love you, matter. It’s those who love you who have been hurt deeply by your foolish actions. Your actions that day is their nightmare. They cry for you, they pray for you and they hug you so tightly, wishing they can take away your pain and give you all the love.

But my dear, they can only do so much for you. The rest is in your hands. You will learn that those people whom have hurt you, are nothing. You will tell yourself that these people are barbarians and they are worth lesser than an ant’s life. You will slowly let go of the anger, to be replaced by indifference. You will still have bad days on occasion, but never give up, because you’re improving.

You strive to be perfect, hoping everyone will like you. But you’ll find out later on that classmates whom you’re not close to, can’t stand you from the start. When you invite them for your 18hth birthday, they will decline. You will think it’s because they’re busy. But the following year, they will become the bullies you’ve never dreamed of. You’ll find out from others that they simply didn’t like you from the first time you met. You’ll learn that there are people in this world who can hate you just for your face, jealous of your grades or even when you have something they don’t. They’ll hate you for being the perfect princess that you portray. Any reason they can find to hate you. Even the house you live in, they can use it as a reason.

Little Me, these people are worthless. They are just spiteful, bitter girls (and boys) who are insensitive, immature and are unhappy with themselves. Always remind yourself that they are worthless fucks.

And my dear girl, this is when you realise you can never be perfect. You can never be so perfect until everyone likes you. You will never be the perfect person you’ve always hoped to be. Even at seven, you’re already striving to be Little Miss Perfect, waking up at 5am, an hour earlier, to tidy your bed, making sure there’s no wrinkles on your bed sheet. After spending 30 minutes tidying it, then will you be satisfied and move to sleep on the floor.

But life…………is just life. There will always be a “wrinkle” wherever you go. No matter how hard you try to tidy it, this “wrinkle” will not go away. You have to live with it and accept it.

Your illness is another “wrinkle” you have to live with. People are going to judge you, make fun of you. When you’re sick and need to go home, your project mates are just going to think you’re faking it. You want very much to tell them about your illness, that certain things they need to repeat before you understand what they’re saying. You will want them to know that it’s because of your illness, you are slower in understanding certain things. But in the end, you will never share with them about your illness. Because you don’t wish to be treated differently from others. And that is why, you were bullied by your project mates. That is why you have so much anger and hatred. They are why you feel you’re worthless. They are why you’ve harmed yourself so many times.

But my dear, all these are lessons for you. You’ll learn to be stronger and speak up. You have zero tolerance for bullying, whether it’s you  or others. You will learn that your bullies and so called “friends” are nothing. Imbeciles.

But most importantly, you’ll cherish those who love you. Only they are worth it. You’ll learn to love again and befriend others. That’s what will, and will always matter to you. You will learn it’s not the quantity of friends that count, but quality. At age 19, you had more friends, but you knew they can’t be trusted. Cutting contact with them will be hard at that time, but you know it has to be done. Once you’ve done that, you’ll realise how happy you can actually be, and it’ll feel like you can breathe again.

Oh Little Me, there’s so much for you to learn about life. So many obstacles for you to go through, “wrinkles” that can never be tidied.

Even the current 22-year-old me knows that I will still have many roadblocks ahead. But I know I’m stronger to deal with them.

Little Me, life is not perfect.

Don’t be a perfectionist.

Be You.

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