Whenever I see my friends interact with their dads, I get a little envious and sad. Why can’t I have that kind of relationship with him, the way my friends have with theirs?
When I was younger, I was naive enough to think that getting good grades would help me win his affections. But after so many years, I realised that he will never change. Sometimes, I still have this thinking that he will show me a little more love if I do better.
Time and again, he has disappointed and hurt me. Especially this year. I’ve decided that once I’m of age, I will limit the number of times I see him. Sometimes, I just want to cease all contact with him.
I can’t remember the last time I said the L-word to him. I don’t even think I’ve ever said it to him. I guess it’s because I’m afraid that if I said it, he’ll throw it back in my face. My fear of saying that word to him has led to me being scared of using it to even those I care deeply about. (So if I ever said it to you, it means you mean a lot to me! That means you mother! I know you’re reading this, woman😉😘) The hurt and emotional abuse all these years have made me wary of thrusting any guy and giving him the power to hurt me. It’s probably why I don’t believe in a lasting marriage.
I wish that I can be indifferent to all his bullshit but I can’t. I’m still that little girl who wishes that her father will love her for who she is and will give her the affection she yearns for. Maybe bringing his children to all those classy restaurants is his way of showing affection. But to me, it’s not. I wish he’ll be more caring when I’m sick, and not worry that I’ll be wasting my day by resting instead of studying. I wished that he had been more sensitive to his children’s feelings, and not call us “stupid”, “bimbo” or “ugly” when we were younger.
Just a few minutes earlier, he asked if I had brains. Just because I did not clean the toilet basin the way he expected. It seems like no matter what I do, I can never meet his expectations. Mum said that he expects a lot from me because I’m the first-born. I don’t believe in that crap anymore. I think it’s just him to make people miserable. I wish I can tell him to get the fuck out of the house and my life, but I have to think of my siblings. Especially my sister, who cares a great deal for him.
It’s not that I’m a cold-hearted bitch. I do care for him. Time and again, I’ve defended and spoke up for him. But I do have my limits.
What more must I do for his approval and affections? What must a daughter do to get her father’s love?